It has been awhile since I last wrote and I have been contemplating ever writing this. I don’t want to come across as winey or ungrateful or just a stupid girl who has first world problems and needs to grow up. That is what I have been telling myself, so I don’t expect the world to tell me anything differently. But here I am still typing out these words, and lets face it, I am now meandering to a point. So (with a deep breath) I begin.
I am stuck between two worlds. I am conflicted between two versions of myself. I hate this but it comes down to a tale of two guys. The old vs the new. And not just them, but the version of myself when I am/was with him.
First the old: smart and intellectually stimulating. With him I grew mentally and found confidence in my abilities. I was challenged to read and not only have an opinion, but to have a voice. He loves diving into higher level conversation. I was a better student, teacher, and citizen with him.
Second the current: he is the kindest most loving man I have ever known. He is never without a compliment or gratitude. He appreciates everything about me and tells me so. He is affectionate and generous. He openly loves me and committed. He would shout from rooftops if I let him. With him I am more physical and confident in my appearance. Through his eyes I see myself as beautiful. I have taken more care of myself, trying to be a bit more healthier. I take care of my appearance more and pride in how I carry myself.
The first is not an option. That is something that is gone, but the girl is not. She is still here yearning to be challenged and stimulated. Screaming to be heard, but no one to listen. I miss him, I miss her, I miss us. That was hard to write. It is a hard truth, one that would not surprise anyone. Except for the second. He is so kind and 100% into this relationship. He jumped before I even thought of walking up to the cliff. He is not stuck in the middle.
I am not sure where to go from here. In the end will I hurt him or silence myself? Is there away for neither? I have yet to find it, but my mind desperately needs to figure this out. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t know if I am dragging him along either. I mean if I loved him as much as he loves me would I need to be questioning this decision? I do love him…but is it enough…???