I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would have liked for someone to tell me when I was younger. And to be honest I wish someone would have talked to me about sex. I never had a conversation about it with my parents; they were definitely not the type, but I desperately needed to hear about it. However, what I needed to hear was not the typical “sex is when a man and a woman…” I didn’t need to know what sex was, I needed to hear more. I knew what sex was. I knew the biological basics of performing the act. I knew the dangers of STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. I grew up in a school that had a high level of teenage pregnancies. We were informed, but not everyone was smart.
What I needed to hear was deeper than that. I needed to hear that I was a virgin. That I was still pure. That I was not damaged. That I had the right to say “No” after someone had stolen that right from me as a child. I was not just molested as a child; I was raped. I was sexually assaulted and used in horrendous ways that sent me to the hospital. My body healed, but it would be decades before my mind did. After my parents got us back from foster care, we didn’t talk about what happened. We moved forward, and I dealt with it silently and alone. I felt ashamed that I had allowed something to happen to me that tore apart my family. It caused my parents pain and I knew that it was my fault. My parents never told me otherwise, but again we didn’t talk about it.
As a teenager, I began to like boys. I was told “boys only want one thing.” I saw it in music videos, movies, and basically all over the place. I had lived it as a child. I didn’t value my body because I viewed it as damaged. It didn’t need to be protected; it didn’t need to be honored or cherished. It was free to be used. And I allowed boys to use it. I never made the connection that sex=love or sex=trust. None of that existed in my view on sex. So at a very young age I became very active.
Into my young adult life, when I married I still was not in charge of my body. I was there to physically please him. When and how he wanted it, I obliged. Yes in these years I did find the pleasure of the O, but I never learned to use “No.” I remember crying after a few times, just simply because I had not wanted it but felt it was my duty as a wife. I still didn’t talk about it. I still hadn’t made the connection that sex=love. When he cheated on me, at first I blamed myself for not being good enough for him. I allowed him to break me further down. We separated and both moved on. Him immediately with the girl that he cheated on me with, and me three years later.
The next guy I was with was very safe and non-physical. This threw me at first because I had always believed that if a guy was in to you, then that would mean sexually. He didn’t work that way. We connected mentally and I was the aggressor in the bedroom. I needed sex to feel validated in our relationship, and when he didn’t respond I found myself questioning his love for me. Then I realized it wasn’t love, but his attraction to me. I mean didn’t all men want to use a woman’s body? I had allowed it to happen for so long, that I didn’t know what to do. We didn’t have sex often and when we did, it became safe for me. It was nice and I could relax. I found the sex=trust with him. It wasn’t passionate. It wasn’t heated or “making love” by any means. But I found my ability to take control of my body and know when and how I wanted it. I was in charge during sex and it empowered me to want to explore that further. Further than he was capable of giving me. In the end that relationship did not last, but I grew so much as a person in it. With him for the first time I talked about it. He listened and allowed me to work through a lot of it. He was a wonderful partner and in the end we parted as great friends.
Moving on to my current relationship. I have finally figured it out. I have found a man that has combined the trust with the passion. At the age of 31 I have finally felt the sex=love part of the equation. I know that I am worthy of being treated right and to have my wants honored. I have found a voice. I have also found the passion in the O and the beauty in making love. I am able to express myself with him and he is very receptive. There is a balance between giving and taking and an unspoken deal that all needs are met. I am truly enjoying sex as a whole healthy part of life for the first time.
I was 3 when it happened to me. I think most people believed that because I was that young when it happened that I didn’t remember it, so it didn’t affect me. It was a typhoon that caused flooding into my teen years, tidal waves into my young adult years, and ripples to this day. When I think back to that 12 year old girl who was making adult decisions with little regard to her body, I want to hug her and tell her she’s precious. She’s worthy. She’s a virgin. To take care of it and only give it away to someone deserving. But that girl is gone; my hope is that perhaps I can pass that message on to someone who needs to hear it now, tomorrow, or someday perhaps.