I am about to be really honest with myself. I miss my ex. I miss talking to him. I miss being around him. I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss him. I read his blog and see how he’s doing and it’s not always positive. I read his blog and want him to be happy. But if I am being honest, a part of me wants him to miss me. I want to see signs that he still thinks of me. That he still thinks of us.
All that being said there are things about my ex that I don’t miss. I don’t miss his distance. I don’t miss his “all about me” attitude. I don’t miss his lack of affection. I don’t miss his disregard for my needs. I know that last statement isn’t completely fair because he struggles with depression, but I struggled with his depression too. I fought quietly, not along side him because he wouldn’t allow that, but behind him. Waiting and hoping for him to call me up to be his partner in it. To move forward. That never happened. He was hurting me, and so he let me go. But sometimes it still hurts.
Now I have a new guy who is almost the complete opposite of the second paragraph, but I find myself still thinking of my ex. Mentally my ex challenged me to be more informed and a life long learner. He could match me wit for wit on most political conversations, and surpass me in history and trivia. Not many are able to do that. I loved his mind. We could quip with sarcasm constantly and never pause or run out of rebuttals. Intellectually we were partners. New guy is almost there but is lacking in the sarcasm and wit. He isn’t as informed but is willing to be taught. He isn’t as much of a reader, and that is probably where the problem is.
But his affection for me is strong. He is never withholding of compliments and niceties. He is caring and kind and willing to do what ever he can to make me happy. He holds my hand and looks in my eyes. He makes me smile and feel beautiful, something I have never really felt in my life before. His face lights up when he sees me and I enjoy being around him. When I am around him, there are no doubts. It isn’t until we are apart that…comparisons start.
I can convince myself that I am happy and then today I read the blog. The blog about our old life together and knew that at that moment he was thinking about me, about us, and the almost life we had. And I got sad. I know why we didn’t work, and why we wouldn’t work, but I can still miss him, still miss it. I know in time I will be fine. I don’t cry over him anymore. Now I just sit in my melancholy and nostalgic mind and wonder what would have happened if depression hadn’t played such a huge role in our relationship. If ghosts from the pasts had been able to be laid to rest leaving the living to live. Or if my need for more hadn’t been so strong.
I make my bed every morning. Our bed. I have changed the comforter but it is still the same bed. Our bed is made, now we must lie in it.