I wonder what it is about modern day people that need to be validated by not only our loved ones but complete strangers. Perhaps it has always been this way, but the internet and social media has awoken it to further reaches than anyone had previously conceived. I mean we are pack animals and isn’t it our goal to be leader of the pack? Don’t we all yearn for acceptance and reassurance from our pack mates? So when do we start living for ourselves and not for the opinion of the group? When do we put our own happiness and need for survival above that of others, and in some cases despite others? Why can’t we really just “ignore what others say” or believe that “what other people think doesn’t matter”? Just something I am struggling with at the moment.

Facebook… it has become somewhat of an obsession for me. Not in posting about myself, but in seeing what everyone else is doing, watching cute videos, and getting angry with the rest of the world over politics. It has also become something of an anxiety to me as well. I don’t put my personal stuff out there for the world to criticize, and by world I mean family, friends and coworkers. Everyone who is a Facebook friend I have met in person at one time or another. So when my ex and I broke up, I didn’t announce it on Facebook. I just quietly changed my status without the timeline update and went on about my day. I couldn’t face the questions or snooty opinions of some of my “less close” family members. I know, why am I even friends with them on Facebook then? Well it’s how we communicate now for family parties and medical updates, my aunts and uncles are getting up there in age. I am the go to go for family information now. Not something I asked for, but a title I was given because…I don’t know why. Anyways I digress. I didn’t announce to the world that we broke up. Many of them still believe that him and I are still together. At the last Christmas party when asked about his whereabouts I just said he had to work. I did this for 2 reasons: 1. I didn’t want to have 30 people stop what they were doing, look at me, and listen for the story of why Liz can’t keep a fella. Smug aunt would be validated in her opinion of me and I for one will not give her that satisfaction. 2. A part of me was holding on to hope that maybe we would work it out and then I wouldn’t have waisted my time and energy on a break up and they would never know. (TBH I knew that it was not going to happen, but I was terrified of being alone still). All was fine until…

New boy came into the picture. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t know how to prepare for this. I struggled with the yes or no of even talking to him, and finally gave in after realizing he is so sweet. So then the problem: How do I now announce to Facebook that I am single and go through the questions and comments when I have him on my Facebook? How do I explain to him that just a few months ago a part of me wanted to work things out with my ex? Small part, but it was still there. And above all else, if I was this unsure of how to tell the world, should I even be talking to him? Well I continued talking to him and seeing him and he has been great. In my other post I described the double date with my sister and her husband. My close friends understand the situation; they were there with me through my break up and know the timeline is not as short as Facebook would have you believe it to be. So me and New Boy have been seeing each other regularly for about 2 months now and I have told him no every step of the way and he has been very patient with me. He hasn’t rushed me or made me feel like I was waisting his time. In fact just the opposite. He is happy to just be in my life and is willing to do what ever I need to stay there. It’s hard not to become almost addicted to that. He treats me kindly and says the sweetest things. All was fine until…

He asked me to be his girlfriend this weekend, and I said yes. What does this mean? Status update on Facebook. He is the scream it to the world kind of guy. Within minutes of me saying yes, his status was changed and I am staring at a Timeline Review. Do I say yes and it posts on to my timeline? Do I ignore it and face him wondering? Do I update my status because I know he’ll check? I can tell him I’m not ready for the world to know yet and he will understand, but y’all need to understand this man. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, his face was filled with sincerity and fear nervousness. And when I said yes, you would’ve thought I just gave him a million dollars!! He went crazy sweet and incredibly happy. I love making him that happy. He is really a sweet guy. When I am with him I have no doubts that I want to be his girlfriend. It is when we are apart and I realize, “what will everyone think?” “will this look like rebound”” will I seem like an unfit mother flitting from man to man?” “am I not spending enough time with my daughter?” The last one I question myself on enough, no one needs to add to that one. I am just so torn between being happy and my image. How much should it matter? And by the way my daughter met him on Thursday and they hit it off. She likes him and is OK with us being together. I would have never said yes if she wasn’t ready or didn’t like him. He knew this going in as well.

Well I think this is long enough and perhaps all in my head. I just don’t know what to do….

 

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