Almost every minute of my day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep is a constant “go” and filled with people. I spend very little time alone with my thoughts until I lay down at night. Then my mind wonders from topic to topic analyzing each until I can take no more. I turn out the lamp and close my eyes. I focus on my breathing and then it happens. I hear it. Silence. Once these moments were filled with the low snore of a man I loved. I could reach across the bed and feel the warmth of him and feel comforted that he was there. Now I can sleep in the middle and stretch out. I am comfortable. I have no side. I have the bed. All pillows are mine. When I wake in the morning the covers are still nicely in place and it takes 2 seconds to make the bed. I don’t move a lot when I sleep. I listen to the hum of the fan that I need to be on in order to sleep. It’s too quiet without it. I wonder if he is ever thinking of me at these moments. Most likely no, he was always able to fall asleep within the minute he felt tired. While I know why we broke up, and know that we are better as friends, it is in these moments that I still reach for the right side of the bed only to feel nothing.
These moments of reaching are not every night and are not met with the tears they once were. I have moved to the middle of the bed. I have redecorated the linen on the bed and almost all traces of him are gone. The memories remain. Memories that are of happiness and loneliness even when he was asleep next to me. At nights with him here I felt more lonely than I do now. Now I can dream of a future with someone else. I take ownership of myself and my life. My mind still thinks of him, wonders if he thinks of me. If he does I hope he does so with a smile. I smile when I think of him now. I want whats best for him. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. Apart we are closer to happiness.
Right now I am not lonely. I am just alone. Something I was terrified of. I had not had a bed to myself since I was a teenager. I married young at 18. Then became a single mom where I shared my bed with my daughter. Then my ex and I moved in together. Then my ex moved out. And now I am alone in my bed fit for a queen. And I fit just comfortably. I sleep through the night. I wake groggily- not a morning person, and move forward into my days of people.
Perhaps one day I’ll face my fear of being alone in public- eating at a restaurant or watching a movie all by myself. Perhaps…anything is possible.